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10 Inevitable Downsides to Commercial Space Travel

SpaceX Rocket To Become The First Non-Governmental Vehicle To Reach Int'l Space Station
Roberto Gonzalez, Getty Images)

After years of dreaming, waiting, hoping and praying, commercial space travel is finally starting to become a reality — just when you thought an airline couldn’t put more of a distance between you and your luggage.

SpaceX’s Dragon capsule may be on its way to the International Space Station, but in a way, it’s also on its way to opening a whole new world of public access to outer space. That’s not good news for anyone who just tried to fly from Scranton to Sacramento by chasing four delayed puddle jumpers, forking over the equivalent of a house payment for a microwaved pizza and enduring a TSA search that a proctologist would find invasive. Here are some of the dangers of this futuristic inevitability.

1. Prices for in-flight muffins and oxygen are both in triple digits.

2. Teleportation technology means airlines can easily lose your luggage and your internal organs.

3. Science may have created a way for mankind to colonize other planets and travel to them safely, but it can’t find a way to get an annoying kid to stop kicking your seat without committing a felony.

4. We’ll eventually meet an alien race and the first thing we’ll do is hire them to work for the TSA since their anal probe technology is light years ahead of ours.

5. Trying to mix a simple Bloody Mary in a tiny seat WITH gravity is hard enough.

6. The in-flight movies will be ‘Apollo 13,’ ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ and all 37 ‘Alien’ movies.

7. Pilots will think it’s twice as safe to knock back a couple of Harvey Wallbangers before a flight because “now there’s no ground for us to crash into.”

8. The captain who thinks it’s funny to do the pre-flight announcement in his William Shatner voice.

9. The inevitable release of ‘Snakes on a Space Shuttle.’

10. We’ll be able to travel light years away to a distant planet we once didn’t know existed so we can pay $30 to eat lukewarm nachos at a Chili’s-to-Go.

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