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And the winner of the NBA championship is… NOT ME!

2014 NBA Finals - Game Five LRG

The 2014 playoffs were long and arduous. Like a trail of tears, the NBA draws out it’s end of the season tournament like a taffy puller slowly coming to a halt. And after all that time trudging though each and every 7 game series, I’m left completely unsatisfied. Is it possible to have 2 more detestable teams in the finale than the Heat and Spurs? When the champions were crowned my only reaction was, “Good. Now Duncan can retire.”

Crying Baby

While Tim Duncan will most likely go into the history books as one of the best power forwards ever, what probably won’t be printed beneath his bust in the hall of fame is that he’s possibly the biggest crybaby since Dr. Naismith first tacked up a peach basket. Not only has the 7 footer NEVER committed a foul in his life, every time he gets a whiff of an opponents deodorant he throws up his arms, looking to the refs like a 2 year old who just had his cotton candy yanked from it’s pudgy little fingers. Please Mr. Duncan, Get your gold watch, trade your squeaky sneakers for golf shoes and go whine about a bird distracting you during your back swing.

The only thing worse would be a third championship for King James. He’s unquestionably the best basketball player in the league and arguably ever, but when he “took his talents to South Beach” I decided that was a good time to ratchet up my hatred for all things Florida and add the Ohio native to the list along with humidity, reptiles, and flying insects large enough to pluck a child from the shoulders of a parent traipsing through Disney World.

Next season I hope to see some fresh faces at the conclusion of the marathon tourney. Perhaps an all Caucasian dream team owned by Donald Sterling? You know THAT lawsuit isn’t going to end before the season starts…

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