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It’s Colder Than…

Photo by Matt Cardy/Getty Images

As the great Tom Waits once sang, “It’s colder than a gut-shot bitch wolf dog pullin’ nine suckin’ pups up a hill carrying a #4 trap in the dead of winter with a mouth full of porcupine quills.”  If you’re stuck at work this week, chances are you’ll have several conversations with your colleagues about the frigid weather we’re experiencing.  Here’s a few lines you may want to incorporate into those discussions.

It’s Colder Than…

A pimp’s heart (from the Social Distortion song “Prison Bound”)

A well digger’s arse

A witch’s other elbow (PC version)

A Tibetan tin toilet top

A Polar Bear’s toenails

Moonlight on a tombstone

Your girlfriend Julie after you accidentally call her Stephanie

Penguin snot

An eskimo’s outhouse

A toilet seat in an igloo

A Hellen Keller joke

Rudolph’s nads in a headwind

A cow teet in Canada

Frosty the Snowman with an ice cycle up his butt

A brass suppository

After you’ve exhausted those lines, you’ll want to switch over to these classic “It’s so cold” phrases.  It’s so cold ______.

My nuts just hibernated

Lawyers have their hands in their own pockets

Hitchhikers are holding up pictures of their thumbs

The police told a robber to freeze and he did

I saw an Amish guy buy an electric blanket

My nipples are picking up FM radio

Kids at the mall have pulled their pants up

I had to check my driver’s license to see what sex I am

Hookers are charging 20 bucks just to blow on your hands

The steam coming off my head started a war between two Native American tribes

Obama is moving back to Kenya

It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey



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