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The Day I Became An Ordained Minister

A long time ago and in a land far away, I worked for one of the craziest rock radio stations in the country.  It was one of those places where professional discretion was completely ignored.  Back in 2004, a metal band called Slipknot come to our town for a concert and I came up with the dumb idea to find a couple of headbanging lovers who wanted to “Tie the Knot at Slipknot”.

So began the world’s first, and possibly only, “Maggot Marriage” (maggot is a term the band affectionately uses for their loyal legion of fans).  First, I had to become an ordained minister, which it turns out, is very easy to do.  After a quick google search and 5 minutes spent registering on-line with the Universal Life Church, I was legit.  They even have a certificate you can print out when you’re done.

We had a bunch of couples competing for the wedding, most of whom were very disturbing and frightening people.  The winning couple had been together for years and, for some reason, had never made it official.  Until the perfect opportunity came along to exchange nuptials at a thrash metal concert.  The type of storybook romantic wedding that every little girl grows up dreaming about.

Instead of tuxedos, the groom’s party wore orange jumpsuits and masks that were inspired by Slipknot band members.  The bridal party wore all black.  Since the father of the bride was unable to attend, a group of ladies from the local Hooters Restaurant volunteered to “give her away”.  As thousands of metalheads cheered on in approval, vows  and rings were exchanged.  When I instructed the groom that he may “kiss the bride”, he removed his Slipknot mask, slammed a full beer and then planted a big, sloppy wet kiss on his new wife.

Afterwards, the wedding party dined on a black wedding cake adorned with skulls.  Instead of the typical reception, they went inside the arena and met the band backstage.  I later saw the bride, still wearing her wedding dress, in the middle of mosh pit.

I’ve officiated several weddings since, but like the old saying goes, you never forget your first time.

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