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The Top Reasons You Didn’t Go See “Sex Tape”

carmikeI’ve been waiting for years to see the words “Cameron Diaz” and “Sex Tape” in the same sentence. And when it finally happens… it’s just yet another sh*tty summer movie with the rapidly aging actress and whoever the rom-com douche of the month is in Hollywood.

Not surprisingly the new movie bombed at the box office over the weekend.  Why did it flop?  Here are The Top Reasons You Didn’t Go See “Sex Tape”:

  • Watching a middle-aged couple desperately try to salvage their sex life hits too close to home.
  • After watching the trailers, you decided the movie didn’t have quite enough Apple product placement for your liking.
  • If you want to see Cameron Diaz wearing skimpy underwear and shaking her butt, you’ll watch every other Cameron Diaz movie ever made.
  • If you want to experience two people with zero chemistry having awkward sex, you’ll share a box of Franzia with your wife.
  • It features neither talking apes nor talking turtles.
  • It’s about a married couple who are happy and care about each other . . . and you don’t like fiction.
  • You have this thing called “the Internet,” that allows you to read reviews before blowing $12 on a crappy movie.
  • You think the best time for Cameron Diaz to do a movie called “Sex Tape” would have been 15 years ago.

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