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Let’s Put an End to ‘Talk Like a Pirate Day,’ Shall We?

Avast! Just kidding, we don’t even know what avast means. But it’s International Talk Like a Pirate Day, so people are just chucking it around like it’s their business. It’s pretty annoying. For a number of reasons. Let’s discuss them!

You see this picture?

Pirate Day
US Navy Handout, Getty Images

This is what actual pirates look like. They fire on boats, then steal or try to steal their stuff. Sometimes the stuff is weapons. Then they sell the weapons to the kind of people who buy weapons from pirates. FUN!

Of course, these aren’t the pirates everybody is imitating. They’re probably thinking more of the sea dogs and buccaneers from a few centuries ago. Of course, it’s nice to remember that those guys were murderous, thieving slave traders, who had no qualms with stealing food and medicine from civilians, or plundering (you know robbing and killing a bunch of people) for a profit. Edward Teach, aka Blackbeard the pirate, once informed prisoners that he would send their heads to the Governor of South Carolina if he didn’t get the medical supplies he required. Hilarious!

Blackbeard the Pirate Jack Sparrow

Actual pirate/not a pirate

“But, but, it’s just a funny accent,” you say? It’s really not that funny, is the thing. Imagine if it was International Talk Like Arnold Schwarzeneggar Day. Not funny for too long, is it? This is the same joke, only none of us have ever heard an actual pirate from several hundred years ago talk, so the accuracy is probably much, much lower.

It’s not that we hate fun. We had a blast on International Guacamole Day. This is just … not that fun. For example, this is what happens when International Talk Like a Pirate Day takes off. We can probably all agree that less of this would be a good thing.

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