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New Study Claims Male Packages are Shrinking

A recent study claims male genitalia is 10 percent smaller than the average package was fifty years ago.

The researchers believe “stress, smoking, weight gain, and alcohol” have a lot to do with the decrease in manhood measurements, and pollution can allegedly cause similar problems. There’s no explanation of how this research was actually conducted, which makes us highly suspicious. We’re more curious as to how one obtains a job finding the connection between car exhaust and small penises.

The average Joe might not notice the massive red flag here. This was an Italian study. Italian dudes like to wear those extra tight jeans and potato hugger swimsuits that highlight their bulges. There’s no way in hell their junk has any room to breathe in those pants, and consequently, no room to grow. So this whole penis shrinkage thing should come as no surprise to the Europeans, and they have no right to associate us Americans with this study. Our junk is alive and well and we give it ample breathing room.

We just think they’re trying to compensate for their already less-than-stellar Italian salamis.

Next: Chinese Doctors Invent Sperm Extractor

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