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Steven Tyler Rides the Rocky Mountain Highs and Lows on ‘American Idol’

Fox

On Wednesday night, the ‘American Idol‘ crew headed to Aspen, Colo. for its latest round of auditions. At least our favorite judge Steven Tyler can now blame any bizarre behavior on the thin mountain air.

The show started with a generically pretty blonde named Jenni Schick, which led to many “holy shick!” jokes from Tyler as her mini-skirted form walked into the “Chamber of Judgment.”

She sang Pat Benatar’s ‘Heartbreaker’ in a karaoke sort of way, but at this stage of the game, things like a passable voice and “good energy” matter, so she earned a coveted Golden Ticket. Oh, and also a kiss from the newly-engaged Tyler — who, after suddenly remembering he was betrothed, said he’d “get in trouble” for the smooch.

See? Even legendary rock stars can be whipped.

Another chick showed up, sounding a lot like a rogue tuning fork, causing J.Lo to lean over to Steven and threaten his manparts if he asked the girl to perform another song. He grinned mischievously and whispered back he’d do it just to spite her, but he thankfully didn’t follow through. Probably because he’s seen what Jennifer does to men.

Haley Smith, an 18-year-old maid from rural Utah, looked like a throwback to the Flower Child era, but sang Chaka Khan’s awesome ‘Tell Me Something Good’ far better than most white girls would be able to. The judging panel was impressed, and in a lovely moment of sincerity, Steven told her he was “honored to be here, listening to your voice.”

Later on we were treated to a montage of Tyler eating and then picking his teeth with a knife, which was meant to exhibit … what, who knows. But we bet his dentist didn’t like that one little bit.

The show then breezed through a few decent singers who got a simple “yes” without further comment from Tyler — until a dude who calls himself “Magic Cyclops” arrived. He said he was an Iowa native, but used a fake British accent that made him all the more obnoxious.

He’s the type you know on sight doesn’t have a shot in hell at a Golden Ticket, but the panel indulged him anyway. Until he blew confetti out his backside (no, seriously), at which point Steven asked incredulously, “Was that your ass?!” Then J.Lo and Randy ran off, leaving poor Steven to escort the loony guy out of the room.

And that’s Aspen, gang! See you Thursday night. (Assuming Steven isn’t in Mr. Cyclops’ trunk, of course.)

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