An Old School Rocker’s Salute To Wine Coolers and Power Ballads
Yesterday, we were playing a Bryan Adams song and I flashed back to the good ole days when a four pack of Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers and a monster ballad in the cassette tape deck could help break down the defenses of almost every girl in school.
It didn't matter what flavor you got. Bartles & Jaymes did the trick every time. Sure, there were other beverages you could substitute in a pinch. A California Cooler along with Duran Duran might get you to second base. Combine Journey's Greatest Hits with a four pack of Seagram's Wild Berry and, chances are, you could be rounding third and headed for home. In fact, the song 'Faithfully' is probably responsible for thousands of unplanned pregnancies over the years. If you were born in the mid-80's and your parents liked rock n roll, it's possible that you may have been conceived during Neal Schon's guitar solo.
And don't even get me started about Matilda Bay. Many a reluctant young lady lost resolve while enjoying that fine beverage and a Robert Palmer song. It was more romantic than 'couples skate' at the roller rink.
Of course, a two liter bottle of Purple Passion and Whitesnake would also do the trick. Then along came Zima in the early 90's. And sure, your date might eventually vomit on your Red Hot Chili Peppers shirt, but not before you were already halfway through the Cure's Disintegration tape and your neck was covered in hickeys.
On behalf of all the old school rockers who would have struck out with the ladies without a little help, I thank the wine cooler industry for their continued support.