Crazy Conspiracy Corner: I’m Not Saying It Was Aliens…But It Was Aliens

In this weekly series I’ll be exploring the very best and the very worst of the weirdness all around us. This week: Ancient Aliens.
Where to start on this one? According to “Ancient Alien Theorists” if there’s one thing ancient man has never been able to do, it’s stack one rock on top of another rock. For some reason we were just not capable of doing it. I mean, c’mon, rocks? Those are heavy man. Come to think of it; how the hell did we even cut and shape those rocks in the first place? You feel a rock lately? Oh, no way, man. No way we could have cut or shaped rocks. Those suckers are hard. Hard as a rock isn’t just a company’s motto you know. Well, since these are hard things to do and these massive structures are there for all to see there’s only one thing that could have done it: Ancient Aliens.

While the idea that we’ve been visited by creatures from another world in ancient times isn’t a new one it is one that’s come back into popularity in recent years. I know what you’re thinking, “Tell me more about these ancient aliens. What else did they do?” Oh, you may have heard of a little thing called the Giza Pyramids. That was aliens. Or how about those Nazca Lines in Peru? You better believe that was aliens. The Moai of Easter Island? Aliens again. If it was big, heavy and made out of stone? Aliens. Aliens, aliens, aliens. Aliens were also kind enough to give us little things like astronomy, language, metallurgy, math and religion. They were even kind enough to wipe out the dinosaurs to make way for mammals and, later, us. You heard me right. That wasn’t an asteroid that did it. Aliens are to blame, or thank, for that one too. There’s a Mayan settlement/temple complex near there too. Why did they build it on that spot? Aliens of course.

Ok, so aliens were pretty busy way back when. I’m not sure anyone could tell you why, exactly, that is but believe me when I say their plate was pretty full. If aliens did so much why didn’t anyone say anything about them? Turns out they were. Human beings, as it turns out, are not smart enough to describe things correctly. We can’t stack rocks and we can’t describe anything correctly. Our dumb primate brains fail us yet again. What we had to do instead was call these aliens “gods”. Every single myth or story of a god from any culture, any at all it would seem, is describing an alien. Oh, I did I mention that every one of these myths is telling an actual historical event? You know that Greek god Zeus? That was an extraterrestrial being and his lightning bolts were his alien weapon.