What better way to kick off Valentine’s Day (Feb. 14) than with a tale of romance from the one and only David Lee Roth? The Van Halen frontman unleashed another in his current series of highly entertaining videotaped monologues recently, this one entitled simply, ‘Romance.’

Would it shock you to know that Roth ran in the same circles as ’90s Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss? Or partied with TV’s current outrageous bad boy Charlie Sheen? Not, really, right? Today’s tale, which will feature both of those names in a bit, focuses on a young-looking girl named Cindy, who “Diamond Dave” met “a number of years ago — not too many, but enough that I could tell you the story now.”

Cindy was about 21, 22, but “looked like she was about 17 — not at all what you would think of as rock and roll, not the Motley Crue stripper template.” Apparently she liked to dress up in schoolgirl outfits, even though that’s not normally Roth’s favorite look — “OK, ‘Hot for Teacher,’ I get it, but it’s not what gets my flag all the way to the top of the pole.” Still, he spent his summer mixing and matching her outfits “like fine wines.”

Now, sometimes Cindy would disappear and be gone two to three weeks — sometimes coming back with a new watch, sometimes with a new outfit. Roth picks up the story after a particularly long absence of six to eight weeks: “I was at Charlie Sheen’s place up in the hills in California. We were sitting in the basement about three in the morning.” Apparently (and probably we should say allegedly), Sheen was chopping up cocaine with the butt end of a big revolver. “I don’t know if the gun was loaded, but we both were!”

Wouldn’t you know it, Sheen suddenly makes a statement that explains where Roth’s romantic partner has been running off to — “Dave, I got a girl for you!” Yup, her name is Cindy, and yes, it’s Sheen that’s been buying her the schoolgirl outfits.

A little while later, Roth’s watching the televised account of Heidi Fleiss’ arrest — “Of course I know Heidi” — and sees four girls being marched out of a hotel in handcuffs. Turns out Cindy was the very first one being led into the police car. (Does this mean Dave was a paying customer all that time? It’s uncertain.)

Years later, turns out Roth and Cindy remain friends. “I see her every time I play Phoenix. Women like this, their love is enduring, it’s forever and diamond-like. It’s too bad their husbands will never experience it!”

Listen to David Lee Roth’s ‘Romance’ Story

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